Brown Shadow

I was always compared to him all through elementary and junior high school, so much so when the comparison stopped, I continued it on my own. I measure myself at all he does. I believed every word he says. His lies were obvious, because they were filled with sarcasm, but I believed him. I miss him everyday I wish to ask him for advice every second that passes.... He's done so much for me in the shadows. I miss the old times when we'd talk more about growing up and being able to spend more time together.. Ironically it hasn't happened. Life got in the way. Priorities needed to be accomplished. I would love to return favors to him, but we're the same.We never admit defeat or ask for help. We push forward. We rarely share things with one another, but we have that unspoken understanding. A sixth sense, you can say.   It will be tough not to be around his presence anymore. And I know he feels the same way. I need to leave a memento. A blogged memento, something that he can read and laugh when ever he thinks of me and can't speak to me.

Goals.....?

Life is so much harder having no goals.... I continue to stress because I have no goals. Having no goals I feel undefined. I search my head and goggle careers, but I'm not interested in anything. What am I good for? What have I been doing with the last 23 years of my life. The Navy seems like an escape all of a sudden. Many ask why I'm doing it, and I have an unclear answer. I joke and say because I look good in white and I get disgusting remarks. I feel its a way for me travel and see more of the world experience something different. Its a tough commitment but so is having a child or picking what college you want to go to. I don't know the less I bring it up or the less its brought up, I feel better. I still feel lost though. Part of me still wants to be a teacher and help under privilege kids who don't have the money to be successful. And I can't forget about the parents working several jobs just so there child can have a normal life. But I;m also faced with my other side who feeds off of greed and  thinks of himself and just wants to the gym have that amazing body crush everything around him and feed off the weak. Have that 6 figure job and all the women in the world.
Some tell me I've accomplished so much for my age, but I disagree... WHy doesn't my GPA show it? Why did I work so hard in the YMCA only to be forgotten and be remembered as the asshole. Why did particular girl friends leave me? I feel it all comes down to not having any goals. What is a goal? And if its completed whats next? I have to think about another goal? When does it end.

The First of Many blogs...

I rarely like to share personal information, but I figured I'd try blogging things that I dwell on just for a moment of clarity. Having my thoughts laid out in front of me feels like a good idea... Who know's though may be my blogs will turn out to be a good story?
Lately things on my mind are: the endeavors of Grad School, Navy Life, Brother and girls. I found weight-lifting as a great hobby to cope with things ,but I feel like i'm becoming a strong hollow shell. With my writing will I only be able to entertain question that bother me and that I dwell on for to long.